It's all a blur

And then the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was greater than the risk it took to bloom.
~ Anais Nin

This is how I feel sometimes.

Like there is this ecstatic me somewhere in the distance, waving her arms, laughing, dancing, and screaming for me to notice her. But she is just a big blur.

Once in a while, she comes into focus, and I revel in her presence. I take her all in and I feel light, and care-free, and full of the excitement of love, peace, and inspiration. And I so desperately want her to stay, but eventually, she starts to fade.

I think I'm secretly scared to have her around for too long. Darkness is a place my eyes have become accustomed to, and I'm not sure how to function fully in the light.

Those who know me know that there was a point in my life when I was the best version of my then-self. After dealing with a lot of darkness as a teen, I worked hard for 7 years and finally tapped into my endless inner source of light. With my friends, I often refer to that version of me as Happy Rachna or Buddha Rachna, because I feel I had mastered life and the art of enlightenment.

Then, something happened.

I don't know exactly what happened, it's all just a big blur, but something shifted. The true me began to move out of focus. Like water toward a drain, I started flowing helplessly towards the darkness again. And the biggest mistake I made was to succumb. The path of least resistance was to ignore the inner awareness that something was amiss.

Looking back over the past 7 years, I have a lot of theories about what happened, but only one truth:
I am no longer living my best life.

And I think that's what matters. I could postulate on all the reasons why I am where I am in my life or why what has happened has changed me but I don't know if it matters (unless I'm working through something major that I need to release). What matters is that I am not satisfied with the way things are and I need a change.

It was brought to my attention that our lives run in 7-year cycles, and scientists have said that the cells in the body regenerate every 7 years. If all of this is true, that means my time is up. My 7 years of darkness are coming to an end. Finally.

I know that Buddha Rachna is still in me. She never left. She just took a backseat for a while as I went through the things I needed to go through to bring me here. Now, I'm ready to tap into that light again. I've learned even more since that ecstatic time in my life, and I'm ready to bring forth an even better version of me. Like a Buddha Rachna 2.0. Yeah!

Everything is slowly coming into focus.

I am ready to bloom.  

Are you living your best life? What change have you been aching to make?


  1. I think I am very close to living my best life right now. Finally getting married, living in the same city, and now in our own home, it feels more or less complete. I say almost because I feel like our home is still being unpacked and I cannot wait to have things 'where they should be' and start doing artsy things again (painting, crafting). I think only then will I feel complete. And as superficial as it may sound, another change I cannot wait to make is to restructure the closet in my dressing/craft room. I cannot wait for it be optimized!

    I think a huge portion of the completeness factor for me was being able to finally live with the husband in our own place. It just feels so right.

  2. Blessings on your journey Rachna. I see that I have undergone a breaking in order to be more whole process ... and once in a while still have nostalgia for the "good girl" me, but understand how important the various "mis-steps" have been in teaching me compassion and trueness and beauty.