My Saboteur

I once had a garden filled with flowers that grew only on dark thoughts but they need constant attention & one day I decided I had better things to do.
~ Brian Andreas

Everyone has a saboteur. That inner voice that whispers bitter everythings into your ear whenever you try anything. It's that miserable, berating part of yourself that tells you exactly what you really think about you. Even if you didn't know that that's what you thought - your saboteur knows, and has no qualms about telling you. 

Yesterday, my saboteur started whispering into my ear again. She started telling me what a fraud I am, how no one wants to read my words, how I'm not going to inspire anyone, how no one cares about what I have to say (since, what do I know, anyway), and on and on (and on) she went. She told me what a failure I am, how people don't really like me, and how I am actually (and will always be) all alone with no one on my side.

Man, she beat me up real bad.

She was relentless and unforgiving. Pulled out all the stops, brought up all my insecurities, and wouldn't stop until I finally broke down and believed her every word. She talked and talked until she completely alienated me from me. I mean, how can you argue with your own stubborn self? She had an answer for everything! Talk about always getting the last word - I finally understood how my husband feels!

So there I was, broken and defeated, wallowing in my own self-created pity - and my victorious saboteur walked out on me, her job done, my demons reawakened.

Once the dust settled, I noticed a little old woman sitting quietly in the corner of my heart, smiling. My saboteur had been speaking so loudly that I didn't see this 'Buddha Rachna' - this wise old woman who knows the real truth about me - just sitting there, silent, watching the whole charade unfold.

I figured now that my saboteur had done her damage, Buddha Rachna would sweep in and launch into a counter-attack, giving me a lengthy speech on believing in myself and ignoring all the negative messages my saboteur was telling me. And so a war would ensue between darkness and light, good and evil - well, you get what I mean.

But she did no such thing.
She said no such thing.
Actually, she said nothing.
She just sat there, unfazed by the whole event.

That was when I realized, it was so simple: She wasn't listening.

While my saboteur was in battle, my true Self had surrendered to silence. She had no armour. Because she knows my saboteur can't fight if there's no war.

So this is me, putting down my armour.
Uprooting my garden. 
I surrender.

I have better things to do.  

What self-sabotaging thoughts do you believe about yourself? 


  1. I have self-sabotaging thoughts about exercise... I make excuses all the time. BUt I suppose that is common for many people!

    My more stubborn self-sabotaging thoughts lately are regarding my cooking and baking skills... I'm still learning, but I feel like whenever I do make something, it's not that good. I don't really have low self esteem, but when it comes to things I've cooked/baked, I always put myself down with the results. I feel like they are never good enough... though, often people tell me it's good, but for some reason, I just can't seem to believe them.

  2. Awesome stuff Rachna. You continue to be perfectly imperfect. Monique